10 Family Caregiver Pet Peeves
Family caregivers perform a noble and frequently thankless job: caring for their aging, ill, or otherwise unwell loved ones while simultaneously taking care of normal life business. Unlike professional caregivers, who can have an objective perspective and live a separate life, spouse and family caregivers can’t separate themselves from their roles.
When speaking with those caring for family members, there are several common threads when it comes to triggers and pet peeves.
Most Common Pet Peeves of Family & Spouse Caregivers
Here are 10 of the pet peeves we hear about most when speaking to family and spouse caregivers.
I am the one who has to do everything
This is a serious concern. Spouse and family caregivers aren’t exaggerating when they say they have to do just about everything. In addition to caring for a loved one who can’t take care of themselves, caregivers also take over all daily life chores and responsibilities.
It is mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting - and the workload only increases as a loved one’s condition progresses.
How to ease the way: Friends and family members can set up a respite care schedule or contribute funds to pay for professional respite care shifts. In addition to being able to get away for their own medical and wellness appointments, ensuring they have a significant break at least once per week gives them the chance to be themselves.
I’m so tired all the time; I feel overwhelmed
It’s not surprising that without support, family caregivers frequently suffer from what’s known as caregiver or compassion fatigue. Caregiver fatigue can quickly morph into caregiver burnout without access to breaks, honoring a self-care routine, and finding ways to experience a little fun and joy each day.
How to help: Well-meaning but general statements like, “Let us know if you need anything,” mean you’ll probably never get a call. Instead, be direct: “Let me know one thing I can help you with this week.” Or, “I’d like to help give you a break; would you like me to go grocery shopping, do the laundry, or bring you a meal or two and some company?” These are far more likely to get an answer and provide much-needed relief.
My spouse/family member never sleeps - so I’m sleep-deprived
Sleep disorders or interrupted sleep patterns are par for the course with so many conditions that require caregiving in the first place. In the case of Alzheimer’s or dementia, sleep issues are the result of deteriorating neural activity and biochemical changes. For those who have a terminal or chronic illness, physical discomfort or medication side effects may create sleep challenges. Either way, it takes its toll on the caregiver.
What you can do: When and if you can, set up respite care shifts that include some of the late or overnight hours to help primary caregivers get a full night’s sleep. Or consider working with a caregiving agency offering overnight shifts to fill in some gaps.
Everybody thinks they know what’s best, and we’re butting heads
Wouldn’t it be lovely if families were all on the same page about a person’s care? Unfortunately, that rarely happens. Most of the time, there’s a variety of family opinions - some of them conflicting. However, the primary caregiver gets the brunt of it all because they’re doing the best they can and can feel nothing they do is ever good enough.
This is especially frustrating when the critiques, commentaries, and opinions are coming from relatives who live far away and have no idea what the day-to-day situation is like.
Ideas to reduce conflict: Try to support a family caregiver’s style unless something truly feels dangerous, risky, or immoral. If you live out of town, offer support through gift cards, food deliveries, or paying someone to provide respite care and try to keep your differences of opinion to yourself. If a long-term care plan is in place, refer to it and use it as the definitive guide. You may also want to engage a loved one’s GP and get their input, creating a standard care plan - agreed to by all - that serves as a reference guide.
My loved one constantly criticizes my way of doing things
Another common pet peeve is being micromanaged by the person you’re caring for. Talk about feeling taken for granted and underappreciated. However, those being cared for have lost their sense of control, which is one way they’re taking it back.
How to ease the situation: Try to create a team of caregivers so varied techniques and ways of doing things become the norm. Otherwise, see if you can find the time and space to share how this feels and how you can both work together to create a united plan.
Our friends seem to have disappeared
This is a painful reality for many spouse and family caregivers who watch friends drop by the wayside as caregiving needs increase. It feels very isolating. Some people have difficulty witnessing and being present in hard times. Others don’t know how to help, and guilt keeps them away. Then there is the reality that individuals and couples experiencing age-related or health-related decline usually have peers experiencing a similar version of things.
How to change it: If you have the courage to have direct conversations, that’s always better than making assumptions. Otherwise, we recommend utilizing support groups, attending events at the senior center, and finding new ways to branch out and spark the social life. And, don’t forget about the power of video chatting platforms, which means you can “go out to dinner” or “have a happy hour” online - if not in person.
Everyone asks how my loved one is doing but forgets about me
So much of aging, or being a caregiver, feels like a regression into childhood or becoming a parent again. New mothers frequently experience the crash of going from the revered expectant mother to nothing more than a vessel once the baby is born - all the attention shifts to the baby.
The same can be true for caregivers, who spend lots of time keeping others informed of how their loved one is doing while silently suffering - unattended - in their own ways.
What to do: Getting updates on a loved one who isn’t well or experiencing age-related decline is important. However, don’t forget to check in with the caregiver and really listen to how they’re doing. Never take “I’m fine” as an answer. We assure you there’s more under the surface than that!
People ignore my loved one and talk to me instead
This is another common issue for caregivers who involuntarily take on the role of translator, intermediary, and communicator for their loved one. This is also extremely frustrating for the person being spoken about as if they’re not there, and that frustration is likely to be taken out on the caregiver. This may be related to #6, and because some people feel uncomfortable around illness, physical/mental decline, or conditions like dementia that eventually alter a person’s personality.
How to reverse the trend: If you’re the caregiver, we recommend being proactive. When someone is coming to visit or you’re attending an event, let people know ahead of time that your loved one is able to answer for themselves. Sometimes, people just need an honest reminder. Other times, you can turn to your loved one with a wink and repeat the question. This reminds the visitor or friend that they can answer for themselves.
I’m left out of the clinical loop due to HIPPA
This is a serious challenge, especially when caregivers are a child, family friend, or partner rather than spouses. We can’t say enough about how important it is to complete your advanced directives and long-term care plans before there’s a reason to. This should include information about who should be included in healthcare communications. The next best thing is completing them when you receive a diagnosis or know you’ll need a care plan.
How to facilitate healthcare communication: You can do other things to keep the communication stream open. For example, ask your loved one to provide written permission for designated people to be included in healthcare conversations. Schedule telehealth appointments whenever possible, allowing you to participate in the conversation.
Hearing constant praise or comments like, “You’re an angel,” or “I’d never be able to do what you do”
The sentiments are nice, but platitudes like this can actually feel stressful. First and foremost, as this list of family caregiver pet peeves illuminates, they don’t always feel like saints. Most family and spouse caregivers spend lots of time feeling angry, resentful, frustrated, and stressed - which doesn’t align with the idea of an “angel” or “saint.” Also, they didn’t want or choose this role. So they weren’t able to do what they did until they had to.
How to strike a balance: Be as honest as possible, “I see how hard you’re working. That must be challenging.” Or, “I’m so grateful for all that you do. I really admire it.” But then follow that up with specific requests for how you can help, what they need, etc. (See #2).
Is A Family Caregiver You Know Feeling Overwhelmed?
Do you suspect - or know - a family caregiver you know is overwhelmed or feeling peeved more often than not? If so, it’s probably time to bring in professional support. This can be as simple as weekly respite care, transportation support, or meal preparation, to more part- and full-time care services that support the caregiver and allow them to focus on the one they live in a non-caregiving way.
Contact HomeAide Home Care to learn more about the options and to schedule a free, no-obligation assessment. You’ll gain valuable tips on easing the peeve and how to stress levels associated with daily caregiving responsibilities.